Running Up that Hill
My intention with this blog space has always been for meanderings and artistic exploration although I find myself exploring the physical world more often these days. I often forget to replicate myself within this digital sphere. It is a kind of splitting that takes place when I forge a version of myself here, and it is strange, or estranged, and I have created more of a distance these last few months than a connection. Lately, like changing residences, I have become internally rearranged. The furniture has been moved, the books are arranged by author instead of colour, piling notebooks on nightstand, and running out of ink as fast as I drink coffee. My mindset has not brought be to this screen as often as I would life, but that is about to change, as I have some thing(s) to say.
This space is always rolling around in my mind. Social media is such a drain on the psyche so the internet often becomes something to avoid, but that is not what I intended for this space. There is so much more than feedback loops, disinformation, and empty likes.
I am here to create that healthy sphere. I hope you will find comfort here.
To those who follow along, know that I appreciate your unwavering support and I see you.
My mind wants me to apologize though I am not sure what for. I have only denied myself the commitment to a lofty expectation or the mere presence of my self in this space, although I exist elsewhere, so am I really failing?
No, it is only that I have been spending time away from the screen, immersed in a new job, walking around the city, and finally sleeping better than I have in years, so, overall living differently, perhaps better. Also, I have committed myself to healthier habits and more books and sometimes I forget about my digital presence. I want so badly to be alive on this white screen but it is only a fraction of me. I feel you are not getting the whole Caprice, only scattered fragments.
Look out: (!)
We have been living in Pandemic times for almost two years now and it would be strange if my life was not in flux. These last few months I have attained new employment which is thrilling and also mindless, which is perfect for me as I enjoy letting my mind wander while performing menial tasks.
The year away from work was helpful as I took time to reflect on what I really want, and that happens to be further education and with luck and perseverance I hope to get into grad school for next fall. I have been working on my application for a while now and I am getting ready to send it off. It is nerve wracking and exciting and I cannot wait to begin this new chapter in my life. Fingers crossed.
So, I will become more present here and begin again the experience I wished to create in this space. I yearn to share myself with the world and it has to start somewhere, and it starts with me and this open screen.
Forgive me for holding back. It seems that vulnerability is difficult when we do not feel safe, but I can honestly say that that safe feeling has been growing stronger every day, and I am ready to show you more of me. Honestly.
Let me Wander
I am ready to create that never ending story that is my dream, that is me, ongoing, looped and happy, exposed and relentless in my expression of my truth. With jubilation I announce that I have been internally rearranged and I am looking forward to walking on steps new to me in this journey of self discovery. Furthermore, I cannot wait to embrace the constant changes in this evolution of Caprice.
There is a fresh start with every day. With another deep breath I carry on.
Running up that hill, traversing space and time, to simply be. Me.